Cue the relationship hex-perts, cackling from their ivory observation tower after Married At First Sight‘s honeymoons turned into a true love bloodbath.
‘Mel, get the popcorn!’ John ‘No Formal Qualifications’ Aiken surely yelled, as Australia’s first fake lesbian wedding hurtled towards divorce on Thursday night.
‘Popcorn has too much Sodium in it John, FFS!’ Mel Schilling surely barked back, choosing to celebrate the sadness with a handful of activated almonds instead.
Six couples were in a race to the bottom last night, sabotaging their bright futures as skinny-tea-peddling influencers by failing to keep up appearances.
The hex-pert: Cue the relationship hex-perts, cackling from their ivory observation tower after Married At First Sight’s true love bloodbath at the honeymoon’s on Thursday night
Tash and Amanda
Abandon all hope, all ye who enter a crappy family resort on Daydream Island, where Australia’s first (fake) lesbian honeymoon lasted about as long as a Scott Morrison trip to Cobargo.
‘It’s only a matter of time before she becomes an Amandasexual,’ Amanda confidently told producers at the start of their stay.
Turns out Amandasexuals sleep in separate rooms and have zero chemistry. Does that mean my parents were Amandasexuals too?
Abandon all hope: Australia’s first (fake) lesbian honeymoon lasted about as long as a Scott Morrison trip to Cobargo. Pictured is Amanda, in tears
‘Skippy!’ Tash lost the spark right around the time Amanda started hopping around and racially profiling a poor group of marsupials on the lawn. haven’t seen a Wallaby this frazzled since Israel Folau’s mediation hearing
Tash lost the spark right around the time Amanda started hopping around and racially profiling a poor group of marsupials on the lawn.
She was calling them all ‘Skippy’ and they were HATING it. I haven’t seen a Wallaby this frazzled since Israel Folau’s mediation hearing.
And as Amanda hopped away, so did Tash’s last glimmer of romantic interest. It’s sad really.
‘Wanna play sports?’ After Tash admitted she had no chemistry with Amanda, Amanda ignored her and asked if she wanted to play ‘sports or something?’. ‘No thanks. I hate sport’ Tash replies
‘They’ve got activities here, wanna play volleyball or football or something?’ Amanda offered at one point, clearly not getting the message.
‘No thanks. I hate sport’ Tash replies.
Over at true love HQ, the relationship experts high-five in unison, ‘I knew she hated sport!’ pheromone fiend Dr. Trish cackles, ‘I could smell it from a mile away’.
Amanda and Tash’s chance of survival: 1%. IT’S OVER
Hayley and David
In 2020, If you can’t see a truck driver’s mirrors, it may actually just be because they’ve fallen off and they can’t afford new ones.
David spent the whole trip to Singapore in a strop after his ex-addict wife Hayley Vernon found a new vice: Mocking his $25-an-hour wage.
‘If someone handed me a ticket to the airport, I would run. I would run until my feet bled. I would sprint,’ he told producers after a beach date turned sour.
Waging war: In 2020, If you can’t see a truck driver’s mirrors, it may actually just be because they’ve fallen off and they can’t afford new ones
Look of loathe: David spent the whole trip to Singapore in a strop after his ex-addict wife Hayley Vernon found a new vice: Mocking his $25-an-hour wage
David was so specific about the speed and velocity at which he would run to the airport that he sounded like a security risk.
‘You couldn’t pay me to stay with her,’ he started thinking. Not even $50-an-hour? Dave?
David and Hayley’s chance of survival: 12%. NEEDS A MIRACLE
Natasha and Mikey
Natasha was spewing when she found out she was off to Perisher snowfields for her honeymoon.
‘I won’t be wearing my bikini then, which sucks!’ she complained. Sorry Natasha, but is there something wrong with your Insta algorithm? Do you not read the impeccably curated Daily Mail sidebar?
‘No bikini then?’ Natasha was spewing when she found out she was off to Perisher snowfields for her honeymoon with Mikey. ‘I won’t be wearing my bikini then, which sucks!’
Snow worries: Natasha, is there something wrong with your Insta algorithm? Kylie Jenner proved last year that you CAN wear a bikini at the snow
Needless to say, the honeymoon got off to a rough start.
But much to the hex-perts’ chagrin, the producers somehow convinced the pair to act like they were actually having a great time during interviews the next morning.
Minaj, Richie, Woods, Jenner, Kardashian – they’re all having Baywatch moments at the snow, darl. Being close-to-death cold is SO hot right now.
Out of nowhere: Somehow, producers convinced the pair that they were actually having a great time during interviews the next morning. Chance of survival: 35% CAN’T LAST FOREVER
Cathy and Josh
I was hitting the emotional snooze button on these two until logistics investigator Cathy whipped out her ‘secret weapon’ G-string bikini, at which point Josh started investigating the logistics of getting her into bed.
When Josh is in love, he lets his mothy, impulsive side out, resulting in some incredible bogan one-liners.
‘She’s a fridge and I’m a magnet’ he said at one point. It was meant as a compliment but sounded more like the plot synopsis of a Pixar movie.
Secret weapon: I was hitting the emotional snooze button on these two until logistics investigator Cathy whipped out her ‘secret weapon’ G-string bikini, at which point Josh started investigating the logistics of getting her into bed
‘She’s a fridge and I’m a magnet’: When Josh is in love, he lets his mothy, impulsive side out, resulting in some incredible bogan one-liners
Cathy and Josh’s chance of survival: 65% WHEN FRIDGE MET MAGNET
He was probably thinking, ‘that quote would look good in cursive next to me tribal neck tatt’.
Ah, yes, the tribal tatt honouring the rich, complicated history of the Cessnock people.
Vanessa and Chris
The leftovers: In their limited screen time, Chris admitted to Vanessa that her was mildly attracted to her. Little victories Chance of survival: 70%
We hardly saw the next two couples all episode.
On one trip, we had Vanessa nearly bursting into stunned tears when Chris admitted he was mildly attracted to her. Little victories
Poppy and Luke
Poppy and Luke’s trip must have been rubbish. The producer’s eventually resorted to prop comedy, handing Poppy and bucket of golf balls.
‘I’ve got your balls!’ she quips, as Luke laughs like his Lowe’s Instagram sponsorship deal depends on it.
‘I’ve got your balls!’ Poppy and Luke’s trip must have been rubbish. We hardly saw them until the producers made Poppy crack a joke about having Luke ‘by the balls’. Chance of survival: 20%