Psychologist shares tips for dealing with a narcissistic mother

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Psychologist explains having a narcissistic mother is ‘uniquely painful’ because they want to ‘take your achievements as their own’ and struggle to love you ‘unconditionally’ for who you are

  • Children of narcissistic parents can suffer from low self-esteem and other issues
  • Psychologists Dr Gurpreet Kaur and Dr Ruth Ann Harpur made video on the topic
  • The UK-based psychologists addressed how to deal with a narcissistic mother
  • According to Dr Ruth, ‘nurturing yourself as a healthy adult’ can help

By Maria Chiorando For Mailonline

Published: | Updated:

A psychologist has revealed why it is ‘uniquely painful’ to be the child of a narcissistic mother – and shared advice on how to cope with the situation. 

Dr Ruth Ann Harpur, who has a practice based in London, spoke about the issue in a TikTok video with Dr Gurpreet Kaur, a chartered clinical psychologist based in Surrey.

Dr Harpur explained that having a narcissistic mother is especially difficult because children have the expectation that they will be loved unconditionally for who they are as individuals. 

Growing up with a narcissistic mother is ‘uniquely painful’ according to clinical psychologist Dr Ruth Harpur, who discussed the topic in a recent TikTok video (stock image)

Narcissistic mothers, on the other hand, are likely to view children as extensions of themselves, taking on achievements as their own and seeing ‘failures’ as a reflection of their parenting. 

‘Having a narcissistic mother is uniquely painful,’ Dr Harpur said. 

‘We all hope and expect our parents and maybe especially our mothers are going to love us unconditionally, celebrate us, and launch us into the world with a sense of worthiness and loveability. 

‘That doesn’t always happen. With a narcissistic mother, you might find that your achievements are viewed as an extension of her.

‘She might be highly critical of you. She might be demanding of you, expecting you to basically become the caretaker of her needs.’ 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic criteria

The DSM-5, the American Psychiatric Association diagnostic manual for mental disorders, defines NPD as ‘characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, entitlement, and lack of empathy’.

According to the DSM-5, an individual can be diagnosed with NPD if they exhibit five or more of the following nine traits:   

  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. – exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements)
  • Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
  • Requires excessive admiration
  • Has a sense of entitlement (i.e. – unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)
  • Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e. – takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends)
  • Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others
  • Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
  • Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

The traits should be stable across a person’s lifetime and within different contexts.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which individuals are said to have a grandiose sense of their own importance.

However, beneath this facade, individuals with NPD are said to suffer from vulnerable self-esteem; feelings of inferiority, emptiness, and boredom.

In a separate video, Dr Harpur explained that people affected by a narcissist’s behaviour should not take any responsibility. 

‘At the core of a narcissist’s behaviour is deep-rooted shame. It’s a real lack of love and a lack of acceptance of themselves. 

‘People who are high in narcissism have got the message that to be acceptable they have to be extraordinary, and they have to perform in an extraordinary way. 

‘They don’t want to be seen as ordinary, flawed, imperfect human beings with strengths, and weaknesses, and vulnerabilities that they truly are.’ 

It is generally believed that the children of narcissists often suffer from a number of difficulties.

These include having low self-esteem, being a people-pleaser, and having codependent relationships.

While it is difficult to improve a relationship with a narcissistic mother, it is possible. Recovery requires getting to ‘know, love and accept yourself’.  

She explained: ‘I’d like to rephrase that to WHO is going to cope with my narcissistic parent?’

She continued: ‘Is the part of you that sacrifices yourself to take care of them?

‘Is it the part of yourself that’s highly self critical and striving for perfection trying to win their approval?

‘Or is it the part of you that wants to hide for fear of outshining them and being called a show off?

‘If those are the parts of you that come into your relationship with your parents as an adult, nothing’s going to change.’

 Dr Ruth added: ‘If you can nurture yourself as a healthy adult, and you can begin to engage with your parent, adult to adult as possible the relationship will change. 

‘I’m not saying it’s going to change for the better. It may become more distant, but hopefully it will become less fraught for you, and much more manageable.’