TV’s Steph and Dom parker, 52 and 54, draw on their 21 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
Q: I’m 53 and, this summer, I divorced my husband of 26 years.
He didn’t take it well. I had been unhappy for a long time and we’d grown apart. I wanted a chance to live my own life again. What I didn’t imagine was that I’d end up losing most of our friends as a result.
They ended up siding with him. They’ve stopped inviting me to dinner parties and other events, and I keep seeing pictures on Facebook — and my ex is in them. It’s so painful.
An anonymous reader asked Steph and Dom Parker for advice on friends not inviting her to events since she split from her ex-husband (file image)
I’ve tried reaching out to a few of the women, but they say they’re busy and keep it vague. I thought they were my friends.
It’s like I’m being punished for ending the marriage, but I’m still hurting and grieving the loss. This makes it so much worse. Especially as now I need the support of my friends most.
I’m so angry and betrayed. How do I win them back?
STEPH SAYS: First, I’d like to applaud your bravery and courage. It takes real guts to look yourself in the eye and admit you are unhappy, and even more to tell your husband you want a divorce.
And I’m so very sorry you’re finding it difficult to negotiate your way through. But I think you need to be prepared for the fact that everything is different after a divorce. Everything.
None of us operates in a vacuum. We are all influenced by friends and surroundings. Think about it like this: when someone goes on holiday to a new place or buys a new car, doesn’t it always seem that a while later everyone’s suddenly going to that hotel, or driving the exact same model?
That’s how trends are formed — and why some people worry that divorce is catching. It’s obviously not, but it can make you examine your own relationship in a negative way.
Be honest, are all your friends happily married? When you decided you were so dissatisfied with your life that you were going to end your marriage, are you sure no one influenced you?
Did you not look at Linda down the road, in her nice, clean, quiet house, post-divorce, and think the grass looked greener?
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I’m trying to explain why friends might be avoiding you. It may be your divorce has made them think of their own marriages in a way they’d rather not.
Steph (pictured left with Dom) told the reader to consider if she has been unintentionally emotionally dumping on everyone, and to apologise if she has
It’s also possible you have been — unintentionally — emotionally dumping on everyone. While understandable, it’s exhausting. You need — and deserve — support, but have you become too emotionally demanding?
Are you the person who calls at 9pm, three glasses of wine in, for a rant just as the other person is settling in front of the TV, or with a book or their partner? Again, I am not being unsympathetic — I understand exactly what you are trying to cope with — but we all have a limited amount of time and emotional energy, so examine if you have been draining other people.
Can you be sure your friends’ withdrawal has nothing to do with your behaviour?
Own your decision and move on!
If so, that’s fine. But if you feel like you might have been a little bit hard to live with, then I believe you should acknowledge that openly with your friends.
Write a letter, send a card or call, make your apology, explain your behaviour, ask them to forgive you and then move on.
You chose them as friends, but they have to choose you back. You can’t make them play if they don’t want to, so make your sandpit more attractive, then they might want to share it with you.
You are now living a new life, the one you chose, so instead of expecting everyone else to adjust to it, create a new set of people, no pre-conceived judgments or loyalty struggles.
It is time to stand proud, own your decision and move on. There is a new life waiting for you, go and enjoy it!
DOM SAYS: I’m very sorry to hear about your dilemma — and the break-up of your marriage. It’s always very sad when a marriage ends, particularly one like yours which lasted for such a long time.
You have written to us to find out how you can win back your friends. Well, I think there’s a very simple answer to this in that I’m afraid you can’t.
Friendships are not the same as romantic relationships. If you were asking for tips as to how to woo your ex-husband, or how to heal a rift with family, then there would be a whole panoply of techniques I would urge you to try. But friends are different.
Dom (pictured) suggested that friends could feel threatened by having a singleton around their husbands, and advised organising a girls’ night out
You can’t expect your friends to put you first, in the way you might expect your family and husband to. Well, you can expect them to, but you will likely be disappointed.
And that’s what’s happening here. You are expecting them to put your desire to be included, and not feel insecure, over their desire to feel secure. Because at its heart this isn’t about you, it’s about your status. You are no longer a married woman, you are now a single woman. And I’m sorry to say that, socially, there is a major difference.
Think back to the parties and dinners you used to attend with your husband. Who was there? Who is still there in the pictures on Facebook that upset you so much? Other couples.
They’re threatened by your single status
There’s a simple reason for that. Married women don’t want a single woman floating around a party for fear of losing their husbands! And who controls the social diary in a relationship?
Who does the majority of the inviting to lunch, drinks or dinner? Nine times out of ten in a couple, it’s the woman.
I know you’re shocked that female friends are turning their backs on you, and I’m sorry you’re hurt, but do please try to see that it isn’t personal.
They haven’t chosen your ex-husband because they prefer him to you, they’ve simply chosen not to have a single woman, back in the world of dating and mating, wafting about a party full of men who’ve been married for 20-odd years.
The solution, well, I think you’ll find that if you get yourself a boyfriend, you’ll be welcomed back with open arms.
Too shallow? Then accept that this is about their husbands, forget about the couples’ parties and organise a girls’ night out.
If you have a question you’d like Steph and Dom to tackle, write to: stephanddom@ dailymail.co.uk