ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

My family are putting me under too much pressure   

Several years ago my youngest daughter moved to live abroad with her toxic partner. When she discovered she was pregnant, he and his family wanted her to have an abortion but she kept the baby. After the birth, however, they split up and she came back home with the child. I look after them both while working four days a week and also looking after my mother-in-law, who has dementia, for two days. My daughter’s ex never came to see the baby and went back to his previous girlfriend, even posting pictures of her wearing my daughter’s dresses as he would not send her belongings home. She is a fabulous mother and works two days a week as well as three evenings while I babysit. Her ex is now bombarding her with messages saying he wants her back; his sister is supporting him and says that he has changed. All of this is putting a terrible strain on my marriage as my husband, who has been very ill, likes me to do things with him. Then one day, after having too much wine, I fell out with my daughter and said a lot of hurtful things to her, such as telling her to find somewhere else to live. She went mad and says she is going back to her ex. I am ashamed of what I said. Am I such a nasty person? I am drained and exhausted dealing with everyone’s worries.  

No, you are not a nasty person but a loving mother and grandmother. However, you sound as though you are under a lot of pressure in all areas of your life and that, along with the wine, was why you lost your temper with your daughter. It is very important that you talk to her: tell her how much you love her and that you deeply regret saying things that hurt her. But also explain how stressed you are worrying about her, your husband and your mother-in-law; that it is all too much for you and that you really do need to spend some more time with her father. Explain that perhaps she could live at home while she finds somewhere to live independently but that she does need to find a place of her own in due course. (Perhaps you could help her with finances for a while, and also surely her ex should be paying maintenance?) Could she get other people in the family to help out in the evenings while she is at work so that you can have some much needed time with your husband? She does sound as though she takes advantage of your kindness a little. There are no easy solutions here, I’m sorry, but I do hope that she can see you didn’t mean to hurt her, just that you are under too much pressure. Talk to her, too, about what a fabulous mother she is but that you think it would be a big mistake to go back to her ex. 

Why does he criticise me so much?     

My partner and I love each other, we have been together for four years and in many ways we have a good relationship both in and out of bed. However, sometimes I find his view of me to be rather negative. He rarely compliments me – in fact, he often criticises my appearance. He can also be unkind about my friends and makes derogatory comments about my job. I work in retail and don’t make as much money as he does – he is extremely well paid. When I tried to tell him that I find his criticism hard to cope with, he just brushed it aside and told me not to be so sensitive. Is this fair or should I try to stand up to him more?  

You say ‘in many ways’ you have a good relationship, but that leaves the obvious conclusion that in other ways you don’t. You must feel very hurt when the man who says he loves you criticises you all the time – and to just brush your feelings aside, I’m afraid, shows an uncaring attitude. It might be that although he seems confident on the surface, he is insecure underneath. Deep down he may fear that you could leave him for someone who is more interesting, better looking or more fun. A man like this will often undermine their partner to diminish their confidence and stop them going off with someone else – but in the end it often drives the person they love away anyway. Or perhaps he was constantly criticised by his parents and has become a critical adult. If so, he does need to change. Talk to him about this, but if nothing improves, I think you can do better! 

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]